Quick, what’s something about you that you don’t want people at work to know?
You probably thought of something right away. And instead of hiding it, maybe it can be an asset.
We all belong to many social groups, but some we hide for fear of what people might think of us. The ones we tend to talk about at work are the most often discussed diversity categories. But there are some we avoid talking about because of painful, sometimes offensive labels and stereotypes. Maybe your family was “trailer trash”? Or you were seen as a “spoiled rich kid”? Or maybe you grew up in “that crazy family” or were raised by “drunks.” “Foster kid.” “Broken home.” “Fresh off the boat.” The list goes on …
Social Groups As A Connector
The biases we hold about these social groups have the effect of putting others and ourselves in boxes. I’ll use myself as an example: I’m white, male, Jewish and gay. You might think that being gay and Jewish are the identities that most define me. But they’re not. What defines me the most is the fact that I grew up in a “crazy family,” surrounded by perpetual conflict, mental illness and substance abuse. My “crazy family” social group experience has defined everything about me—my self-perception, my relationships, my career and how I’ve raised my kids—in ways that being gay and Jewish never have.
I have plenty of company at the “crazy family” table. People from across every conceivable diversity category have their versions of the “crazy family” story. Our common experience connects us, often deeply, regardless of the ways in which we may be different.
I say this with care: My intention is not to directly compare social group experiences to the experience of marginalization, where a different and often stronger bias prevails. Rather, I seek to acknowledge that the combination of those two types of experiences has a powerful meaning for each of us. And since social group experiences tend to be more universal than the experience of belonging to a marginalized group, I suggest that social group experiences can be a way to invite humans to connect across all the other ways people tend to be categorized.
Just look at the people in your immediate vicinity. Likely, they all have a life experience they might be uncomfortable sharing at work. And yet these experiences are fundamental to who they are, fundamental to how they approach, well, everything.
So, why do we hide these parts of ourselves, particularly at work?
Moving Past Shame And Fear
Since they’re entangled with group stereotypes, we might see these experiences through a lens of shame or fear, believing that others would judge us if they knew. Or maybe it just feels like nobody would understand. So, we banish these experiences. We separate ourselves from fundamental parts of ourselves. We end up losing access to the power of these experiences: what they have made us capable of. Not only does this strain us, but it also deprives people around us of the inspiration and connection we inherently offer.
What if we looked past the shame, fear and judgment? What if we gave ourselves the chance to own these experiences—and to trust that bringing them into the light would be one of the most powerful, authentic and connective actions we could take.
In my case, I’ve come to understand how my “crazy family” background has influenced my life and made me strong and resilient in numerous ways. That enables me to experience my history not from a place of shame or stigma but from a place of self-compassion and empathy that I can share freely with others across so many other categories of diversity.
Social Group Experiences As One Element Of Diversity
We each have our own experiences, and by virtue of that, we are all diverse. Inviting social group experiences to the diversity table is a way of showing every subgroup in an organization, from minority or majority cultures, that their story belongs in the conversation. This creates empathy and connection, the building blocks of a truly inclusive culture.
Sharing the authenticity of our social group experiences could be a universal connector. It doesn’t matter what the specific experience is that we’re sharing; the courage to own it and be authentic about it connects us with empathy across whatever experience we might have had.
I believe it’s possible to create lasting, inclusive and equitable workplaces by finding a way for everyone in the workplace to see themselves as belonging in these discussions.
The goals of ensuring diversity are not fully realized until they lead to inclusivity across the board. And I believe we can’t get there if a meaningful percentage of people don’t feel that the value of “diversity” applies to them. The experience of full inclusion across all forms of diversity is what will enable organizations to truly progress toward full equity.
Five Ways To Connect With Your Social Group Identity
1. Name the experience that came to mind at the start of this article.
2. What social group(s) and related stereotype(s) are associated with the experience, and how have you internalized this?
3. What are the strengths you’ve derived from the experience, and where do you see them playing out at work and in life?
4. What part of your experience, or the strengths you’ve derived from it, would you want people at work to know?
5. With whom and how might you share this?
Final Thoughts
The connections we build through authenticity help us bridge our diversities while still honoring our personal experiences. We can hold both simultaneously: connecting while also being different.
These acts of human inclusion can create powerful connections for all, without privileging or excluding any group. This becomes the foundation for a more equitable workplace, built through an ongoing virtuous cycle of acknowledging social group experiences and bringing them to the table as the empowering and connective forces that they can be.
